Friday, September 30, 2011

my vocation journey looks like yarn

My vocation looks like tangled yarn. Earlier tonight my mother and I were trying to unravel yarn and put it in ball form. Well this task began difficult. There were many knots in the yarn, and it took a while just to make a little ball. Sometimes in discernment it takes a while to unravel knots in our hearts, bodies, etc. However when we begin to unravel those knots we flow naturally. This takes time. Sometimes we rush and like yarn we add more knots to the mess. For this reason our discernment takes time just like unraveling yarn. Sometimes we need to slow down our discernment and let the Lord take the natural flow and not force what is not ready. I will contine to pray and to let the Lord unravel my vocation.
Tonight the Lord spoke to me in poem form:

The world is loud and boisterous
It tells us to be quick and fast paced
When we cant face up this idea
We fall, cry and crumble
We run to the Lord
He tells us to sit
We fumble around for a notebook to write
We dont want to miss a word
We grabe the notebook and the Lord goes silent

We become confused
We want the Lord to speak
To tell us the next step to take
We stop and wait and pray
The Lord speaks, "Just be"
We dont understand
This is not what we were taught

So we start to write
The Lord speaks, "Be"
We place our notebooks down
We sit and "Be"
The Lord speaks
"This is for me, just be" 

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

The Lord sent me!!

The Lord sends me places to grow deeper in his love. Everywhere, Every person, Every experiences has given me a new lesson in deepening faith in humility, the depths of Gods love and forgiveness, and my future vocation. How many people have been able to experience traveling from town to town and searching for JESUS. I thank Jesus everyday for these experience. He made everything happen. He gave me what I needed. My future vocation is in the hands of God.

One thing we must never let happen is being lazy in our discernment. Discernment is an everday task. We must pray everday and continue to give Christ our best everday. The Lord will take care of your vocation. Prayers to him will help to ease is realizing its not just our decision. We have help to decipher where to go.
The Lord defintely has told me I am not called to specific places in creative ways. The No's have been good for me to grow in humility in my own will versus his own will.

 Each day we must continue to die to ourselves to learn to be humble to follow this call.  It is hard to be humble but the Lord humbled himself to die on a cross for us. That is the biggest and deepest humbling experience anyone can ever experience. To grow in that humility we must continue to serve Christ, ask for his forgiveness, and do his will and go where he goes and listen to what he asks of us.

The Place

Where is he calling me
A place to feel emotions and love
Where is this place
I will travel far and wide
To find a resting place
Will I wear a habit or pants?
Will I wear sandals or sneakers?
Whatever it may be
It will be for the Glory of God
For he says, "Follow me"
We ask "Show me, Lead me"

Monday, September 26, 2011

Our Lady has caught my heart!

Before the TOR retreat praying the rosary was difficult. While praying the rosary there was never a strong emotionally connection involved and it was normally made me tired. After the retreat my heart has been on fire for developing a relationship with our lady. Its has become a beautiful prayer of love and intimacy with our lady. We must thank Jesus everday for giving us his mother to help us grow deeper in our femininity, and our vulnerability.

Being closer to Mary has been helping me in my vocation. Many years ago I went to visit the Salesians. I had never payed attention to what their initials meant. Their initials are F.M.A. In Italian FMA means Figlie di Maria Ausiliatrice means, Daughters of Mary Help of Christians.

My heart melts when I hear this title. I feel in her arms and her daugher. She is helping me along with her son to show me what is good for me and what I need to hear to grow in my love for them, others and myself!!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

The Lord wants everyone to be happy!

He wants our hearts to be united to his. Our hearts are made for him. He wants to hold us forever where it is safe, warm and cozy. Nothing matters except the Love he places in our hearts. Sometimes the world tries to take that faith away. When the world does this we must cling to Christ, in faith and hope for him to guide us in the way, truth and life we must live. If we are able to accomplish his way our hearts feel free to serve, to love and walk humbly for GOD!!

The world will not fill my heart
It will not give me peace
It will not give me hope
I am the glass Christ fills
I want to empty myself of the world
I want to be full of Christ for the world
For the world to know his way, truth and life!!!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Trying to catch the Lord

The Lord likes to take me places for me to build a deeper relationship with him. Since April of 09 I have went to visit the Daughters of St Paul, The Sisters of St. Benedict in Ferdinand IN, The Benedictines in Greensburgh PA, The Salesians in NJ, Sisters of Life, TOR Sisters in Toronto OH, and have recieved countless emails from religious orders. These have been great experiences filled with advice from beautiful sisters and heart to hearts with Christ. However, my heart will never be at rest when Im trying to catch Christ. Recently I went on a retreat with the TOR sisters. Before I was expected praise and worship, discussions with Girls, getting up early, and possibly a come and see. However the retreat was not what I expected. When I arrived at the airport I felt ackward with a big suitcase. It made me feel that I brought too many belongings. In reality not very many belongings were in my suitcase except for clothing and music which does take up space! Anyways after we arrive at the convent almost immediately was a shower. It was pertitent to shower for my body was tired and not smelling wonderfully from the airplane travels. A little while after the shower in a small square I met a few girls. We conversed briefly about our journeys and few minutes later a tour began. The place was quite large filled with a plethora of rooms, and many hallways. Almost every room I asked questions! After the tour was a quick talk on the liturgy of hours. Following was our first time in the chapel for the weekend.
My intial time time the chapel:

The first thing I see are the beams which look like Dominos
Jesus is sitting on the altar waiting for the world to see
The Sisters, novices, retreatants are here for Jesus
and me Daughter of Christ asking where he is calling me
I have many thoughts, feelings, wonders, fears
But my tiredness is wiping my mind away
So I just sit and just be in the presence of the Lord

When evening prayer was over it was dinner time. Because they fast on Friday we as retreatants were asked to participate in the fast. The fast consisted of bread, water and a choice of protein which was an egg. Because I was tired the meal was sustaining (somewhat). Following dinner was a beautiful talk by Sister Therese Marie. By hearing her talk I felt her love of Christ and her deep intimate love of him. When the talk ended we made our way to our rooms and after preparations for bed sleep my body went.

The next morning came at around 6:00 AM. This is quite early for me!! We made our way to chapel for a 6:30 am adoration hour. For an hour we were asked to be in the presence of Christ. In the morning it was hard to sit for an hour and be mentally present. Then we prayed morning prayer. Afterwards there was mass I think! LOL!! We sat for a long time in the mornings!! LOL! After prayer was something but I dont remember!! LOL!! Eventually there was lunch. It was nice to talk with the sisters and girls about our adventures in our lives. Througout the afternoon we heard a beautiful talk about the charism in which they used to minister, and a testimony which was full of talk about obedience, and love of Jesus. When the talk was over we had an hour before the empowerment prayer session!! My heart was in anticipation for what the Lord was going to me and what songs the sisters were going to play. This goes against advice from a SOLT priest "Participate dont anticipate".

After an hour or so we made our way to the chapel for P and W. During the prayer time a sister came up to me and asked what was on my heart. I spoke to her and spoke from my heart. The sister began to pray in tongues. I bowed my heart and let the Lord work. While the sister was praying the Lord was speaking to my heart. He was telling me to just be in his presence. I didnt have to go anywhere, sing or do anything for him to look at my heart with love and compassion, and for him to pursue me. Feeling the Love of the Lord was beautiful. He never wants to let go of me!!! When the P and W was ended it was time for dinner. Dinner was nice. I learned one thing at dinner. If I am talking with my hands I cant eat! I had issues conversing and eating!! LOL! I wonder if this is why some orders eat in silence for meal times.!! When the difficult meal was over it was dishes time. That was quite entertaining with a lot of people in the kitchen trying to dry dishes an not knowing where anything went!!! Following chores was recreation. We sat around the bonfire and talking. Me, I was given permission to play my sax around the bonfire. I played catholic hymns on my sax until it was too dark to see. The Sisters loved the music!!  When it was too dark to see I sat with a sister and conversed. When it was 9:00 it was bed time for the sisters. I, as well, went to bed.

6:30 comes quite early for this girl. Throught the time I kept waking up thinking my alarm was off. It was soo bizarre. When morning hit, it was time to get dressed, prayer, one more talk and sunday mass. We also had one-on-one talks. My talk with the sister was helpful, tearful and honest. The sister gave me hope and love in my heart. Follpwing the talk was a bit of time before mass and brunch. Each was beautiful in its own way. After all was said and done it was time for me to visit my friends for the night. Visiting my friends was beautiful. We reconnected at a deep level, and knew we loved each other.

After a few days being home my hear desired a come and see. However the sister felt it was not my calling to be considered for their way of life. My heart was saddened but knows the Lord still loves me, wants me as his own.

The most important lesson: The LORD WANTS TO PURSUE ME!! I WILL REST AND LET HIS FIND ME!!  My heart will rest in him and he will show the WAY, TRUTH AND LIFE!!!