Many times in todays society the world tries to tell us who we are. If we are not secure in ourselves we may give into the illusions of the world. For many years I was lost in the idea that God was not in me, and he did not create out of the love, but was a mistake. He did not love me but created me out of bad dirt. In my head my mistakes made me believe I made a mistake that means I am a mistake.
In the eyes of the Lord this is untrue. The Lord does not make mistakes, especially when he creates the human race. He created all of us in his image and likeness and in this we are called beautiful.
Growing up I was a normal child I love to play in the dirt, riding my big bird bike in the driveway, and driving my sister nuts. Everything I did was fun. As I grew I wanted to know who I was, what I was called to do or to be. As I grew the Lord called me to be a greeter on sundays, and after I grew out of that I would altar serve or play my instrument in the choir. Because my faith was important to me I decided to attend a university with a newman center. Unfortunately, the Newman Center became an epicenter of chaos for my life. During my time I became engrossed in struggling with my sexuality identity. My identity became engrossed in the world of distortion and lies. Because of all these lies I disliked myself, and was unsure of the future. Fortunately, by the grace the Lord protected from become too engrossed in the lies of the world. Two days after recieving my diploma the Lord brought me to North Dakota where he attempted to give me graces to accept him as my Lord and savior. For the year and a half I was there He showed me himself in the blessed sacrament, on the altar, in counseling and in a spiritual director. Even though I had many spiritual paths to him He was still hard to accept. Despite frequent confessions my heart was engrossed in sin. After a year and half my heart said no to it all. I went back home to start another degree in hope it would bring me happiness and wholeness. Even though my grades were decent I was still struggling with myself and who I was in Jesus Christ.
For a while I just didnt know what to do with my life. Because of a few glimpses into youth ministry I decided to ask if I could help with youth ministry. for many of months I was able to help run games and be present with the youth. Last January I was able to attend the March for Life with them with left a desire on my heart, through Bob Rice to attend Franciscan University. By the grace of the Holy Spirit, in the months to come I was able to apply and be accepted.
September I started my journey here. At first I felt I did not belong because of my past and what my heart still felt. Even though I felt a deeply unworthy Catholic I ran to the sacrament of reconciliation for something to hold on to...something that would leave me peace in my heart. My first few confessions left me feeling unsure of what was to come. However, one day I decided to see a priest with rimmed glasses who had a sense of peace. As I walked up to him I thought I was going to puke. As I sat down he said "Greetings". We began the confession, and I opened my heart up to the Lord. He asked me If I wanted to renounce what was not of the Lord. Even though I was unsure of what he was asking I say Sure. He then had me renounce distorted thoughts and then he, by the power of the Holy Spirit he stripped bits of me away that were not of the Lord. For a while my heart felt free. However, as I learned, the journey of the Lord is a daily conversion process. So... I continued to journey to find freedom in myself and the ways of the Lord. The semester was full of unloading and reloading myself with the graces of the Holy Spirit.
At the end of the first semester I thought it was going to be easy to stay in the spirit of the Lord. Unfortunately or fortunately the Lord humbled and reiterated to me there was more work to be done in my heart. So, after I came back from school I began to work with priest with the rimmed glasses. He began to uncover what was not of the Lord, which left me broken and unsure of the future. Recently I met with him, and with the help of the Holy Spirit helped me to go deeper into the conversion process. I renounced many lies of the evil one. After my renunciation, with the Holy Spirit as his guide he broke the chains of sin in my heart. I opened my eyes and he had his hood on and his stole (I was like woah). He asked he how I felt I said I feel happy to be a woman of God. Following the meeting the Lord continued to convict my heart through friends.
Even though this freeing of bondage occured sins still remains. We are sinless creatures. However, the Lord loves us in our faults, He loves us now, and he will continue to love in our feminine or masculine identity whichever he created you to be!!!
Peace to you my brothers and sisters in Christ!! I pray this finds you on a journey of holiness and wholeness!! (Thanks Father David Morrier TOR)!